Ok…so this past year I decided that I would commit myself to doing “something of substance and meaning;” something that would not only have a lasting impression in my life, but would give to others who are in need. I searched for something that spoke to my heart, something that made sense, something that would make a difference, something that would help me become a better person. I had thought about volunteer work at a hospital, but since I already worked in healthcare, I felt it would just be an extension of my job. I contemplated serving meals at a “soup kitchen” or a “meals on wheels” type charity, but then thought to myself, “How much of a difference would my presence truly make?” After weeks of searching my heart still felt nothing then, one afternoon in August, I was watching on the Logo Network the film Long Time Companion, a film that chronicles the journey of friends who are forced to deal with the dawning of the AIDS epidemic of the 1980s. As I watched this film I began to recall my own journey in the 1908s as I began to understand that the threat of AIDS was a very real situation for my generation to face. I remembered the months of research I conducted in 1988. Literally hundreds of letters were written by me to doctors all over the world asking for journals, statistics, anything published or unpublished. I was writing a research paper for Junior English class in high school. I chose this topic because I lived in a VERY small town in conservative Utah and felt that small minds needed to be expanded…I had NO clue that I way gay at the time.
As the movie progressed my memories moved onward to my first real love…Kirk. I was 22, living in Southern California and completely confused and scared of my own sexuality. I had many gay friends at the time, but still I wrestled. That is, until I met Kirk. He and I had met at an audition and hit it off. We became the best of friends. He loved my friends and they all loved him. He made me smile, laugh, and feel like I had never felt before. Then one night while watching the film, The Bicycle Thief at his apartment he told me how he felt about me. Although I couldn’t admit to it, I felt the same, and then it happened…that first stroke of his finger along my hand. My heart was racing, but still, I could not disclose my feelings for him. After the movie had ended and it was time for me to leave, he asked me if he could give me a hug… then he kissed me. My knees buckled and my head felt so light and I was oh so very happy. That’s when I knew. We dated for a few weeks in secret until one afternoon on the 405 I finally came out to my best friend at the time. She was elated and all she could say was, “Finally!” Anyhow I was dating a wonderful man who was HIV positive. We were together for almost a year and in many ways, it was the happiest time of my life. And now, 15 years later I still think of him fondly every day. He was the great love of my life.
Well, the movie ended, I was crying and looking at old photographs and feeling rather reminiscent, and a documentary came on the television the topic of which was the AIDS/LifeCycle. An annual event that not only raises money for AIDS research and resources, it raises awareness and visibility. A bicycle ride nearly 600 miles in length, spanning an entire week, from San Francisco of Los Angeles; 2,000 + riders, GLBT, straight, positive, & negative all coming together for one purpose. That’s when it hit me; THIS is what I can do to make a difference. My mind was made up.
In the days to follow, I began to look at bicycles, talk to friends who were riders, read profiles of participants of previous ALC events, and began to work out again. I was motivated and inspired. But shortly thereafter, my heart was broken. My partner of 5 years dropped a bombshell…he was no longer in love with me and wanted me to move out of the home we built together. I was, and still am, devastated. I lost all momentum as my life seemed to crumble down around me.
Well now it is the first day of spring in a new year and I have found new motivation! So as part of the process of preparing for a years worth of training ahead of me, I have decided to start this blog which, hopefully will be interesting enough for people to actually read! I hope that my Journey to AIDS/LifeCycle will be informative, humorous, and inspirational to others. I have big plans for this year and I hope you will join me in my journey of self discovery, awareness, and education. I hope to see you in San Francisco on opening day or at the finish line in Los Angeles!!
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